


the words i wanted to hear

by witheldjeans



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cutting, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 00:56:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18419504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witheldjeans/pseuds/witheldjeans
Summary: a vent fic for all the words i wanted here when i was struggling myself.*please read warnings and be safe. this does explicitly talk about self harm so be careful





	the words i wanted to hear

_ it happened again _

 

you glance to the screen of your phone as you fall into the driver’s seat of your car. amongst the darkness of the earth around you, the screen lights up your surroundings with a soft white glow from your lock screen. 

 

your eyes peer over the words of the text, then they move over the name of the sender and you feel your heart drop to your stomach immediately. three simple words able to affect you so deeply without even knowing the true meaning behind them. 

 

but you knew, you did. you didn’t have to wait for the explanation to fall from his quivering lips - awaiting your displeasure of his actions when in truth; it was never like that. 

 

and he knew, he did. that’d you’d never be disappointed in him. that you’d never hurt him in the way he’d hurt himself. 

 

you put your key into your ignition like you placed it there carefully. you heavy footed the gas all the way to his apartment, knowing you’d need to be there as soon as possible in fear of him emptying himself so heavily until the silence of his apartment was deafeningly loud. 

 

you walk in with intentions of wrapping him in your arms the second you’d see his puffy eyes and wet cheeks. to say your mind was racing was an understatement. you dropped your jacket and bag by the front door and walked into his bedroom to see him sitting at the edge of his bed. 

 

the red of his arm is like a highlighter on a white page - your eyes fall there first. 

 

“chris.” you start. voice lifted with statement rather than heavy with confrontation. your breath feels shortened, and the overwhelming feeling to make him feel okay was drowning you. 

 

he looks up at you - previously dried cheeks become wet again with his own version of rain. you come to his side in a second, wrapping your arms around his torso as if you could protect him from the truth that he’s already brought upon himself. 

 

“i-i’m sorry.” are the first words to leave his trembling lips buried in your shoulder. 

 

you shake your head, assuring him there is no reason to be sorry. “chris it’s okay. i’m not mad, honey. i could never be.”

 

“i-i’m sorry i keep disappointing y-you…” he’s stuttering between his sobs, trying to erase his greatest fear of you being angry at him. 

 

“you could never disappoint me. you could never anger me. i love you, i do chris.” you remind, your hands stroking his back comfortingly as his breaths shake his lungs beneath your hands. 

 

“please… p-please don’t hate me. p-please-” his arms fold your body closer to his; face burying deeper within your shoulder to hide his shame. 

 

your own breathing feels heavy, reminding you of previous relapses so similar to this one. shaking your head again, your fingers tangle in his curly locks, “chris you’re enough. you’re so much already, don’t you ever doubt that i could never love you. i love you so much.”

 

he nods against your t-shirt, pulling away to feel your hands holding his face so gingerly. he revels in the feeling of your skin against his own. the empty pit of loneliness begins to fill, he feels his heart beat again, he can breathe. 

 

“look at me.” you ask of him, stroking away the streaks of tears down his face with soft thumbs. it takes more strength in him to complete that one task alone. 

 

the rain streaks down his bedroom window in transparent drops hidden in the darkness of the night that swallowed his apartment. only the bedside table light could drown some of the darkness away from completely absorbing everything in its wake. 

 

his brown eyes, surrounded by teary redness look into your own. “it’s okay to not be good all the time, yeah? chris, you’re such a strong person that sometimes you need to be weak and let someone in.” 

 

he sniffs quietly, turning his wrists inward in his lap unconsciously. 

 

“i will  _ always _ be that person.” 

 

the rain floods his eyes again and he drops his vision because looking at you exposes all the love for him you feel and it’s a foreign and overwhelming sensation to be loved without giving himself first. 

 

“i would never leave you. never not text you back or answer your calls or be there for you when you feel the loneliest.” 

 

the sobs start to pick up in his chest again, he folds his arms to his torso more to hide the shame that cut into his skin. 

 

“i love you  _ so _ much, and i know this battle is so hard to beat but you will one day with me by your side.” 

 

your nimble fingers begin to reach for his forearm when your own tears begin to drown your vision. he doesn’t fight your actions knowing he’s the most vulnerable right now, and that you’d never do anything to hurt him. 

 

with a thumb running over the shallow slashes of pink and red cuts over his pale skin, he dips further into himself but you don’t for one moment look away from him. 

 

“this doesn’t define you.”   

 

he once again nods when words seem hard to process and speak. 

 

“thank y-you.” he says with confidence, wiping a clean wrist over his cheeks. “thank you for b-being there for me.” 

 

you smile softly, hands coming to his face once more as your lips meet his forehead. 

 

“anything for  _ you _ .”

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed.   
> feel free to find me @raelinalan on twitter.


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